• Desirée Strother

Safety doesn't have to mean emotional disconnection

Updated: 5 days ago

It’s a universal experience that no matter what you do, you feel disconnected from everyone and everything around you… even though you don’t want to. Even though you try to connect.

(I’ll spare you a rabbit-hole tangent on how it’s beautiful and ironic that disconnection is a universal experience)

It’s not even negative self-talk, because it’s so accepted as fact. The thought that someone else could want to be friends with you, just for you, is foreign and strange. They only want a professional relationship. They only invite you to places for ulterior motives. You never think to invite others into your life, because the answer would be no.

You watch TV shows with amazing female friendships, and that seems more unrealistic than the beauty standards and set lighting. You want that, but tell yourself stories that you’ll never have it, and then feel stupid for even letting yourself want it in the first place.

You know how to do a good job and be liked, but you don’t know how to be close.

The worst pain of it is, this happens even when you’re alone, with yourself.

That feeling of restlessness. Of endlessly rearranging your furniture or reorganizing your drawers; scrolling through your phone but gazing right through it; having Netflix on for hours, just for the noise.

Sometimes, when people get really brave and really fed up, they admit it this way: “I’m scared to be still and quiet. I’m scared of what I’ll find when I’m really alone with my thoughts.”

And it feels like you’re broken.

I get it. I’ve been there, and I’ve been brave and fed up, too.

The true thing is, there’s nothing wrong with you.

What if that’s true? What if it’s true that nothing is wrong with you?




(Think on that for a while. Let it marinate in the back of your mind.)




Part of what that means is that your body and mind have been working exactly as they should to keep you safe. Our nervous systems respond to our environment in the best way to keep us as physically safe as possible and as accepted as possible by the people around us.

For lots of us, we successfully and skillfully adapted to an environment that wasn’t safe, where we weren’t really accepted. But our bodies got us through it. Your body got you through it, to where you are today, so that you could access real safety.

That means you have exactly what you need, already within you, to build the kind of safety you have always wanted, needed, and deserved. Your nervous system is capable of changing and responding to a different environment. One where you are physically safe. One where you are accepted and loved.

You are able to successfully and skillfully adapt to a life characterized by love, joy, and connection.

What can you do?